Fianna Fail- MICKEY MOUSE GOVERNMENT.?
You will want to listen to the Ballad of Big Bad Bert Ahern while you enjoy our saga. Here is the link: Reduce this page, Copy and paste it into your browser,then return to enjoy the show.
You know your number is up when statistics fly in El Paso del Dail.!
THERE was a new Sheriff in town and his name was Enda. Oh no actually, it was Bertie. Or was it still Mr McDowell?
Nobody had a clue as the sense of lawlessness apparently sweeping every corner of Ireland swept into the Dail with drive-by "stattings" erupting everywhere.
When it comes to crime, politicians do not ring the gardai. They reach for a .22 calibre Statistic, the double-barrelled, high velocity weapon of choice.
It takes out any target with cold precision. Much like a bullet, a statistic when fired can have devastating consequences, especially if it hits a TD who has no quick and ready reply.
The deadly consequences were all to obvious yesterday after Fine Gael leader Enda Kenny stood up and laid into the Government for its "appalling" inability to cope with crime.
Officer Kenny said people were afraid to walk the streets. He said every time there was a shooting "hysterical Minister McDowell" called it a watershed but then did nothing about it.
He pulled out his Stat Gun and fired: gun crime up 40pc, rape up 2 pc, 56 homicides last year, 26 of them shootings, 33 people out on bail after being charged with murder. And then there were the drugs. A snort or a sniff of cocaine available in every village, townland and city in the country. Crime, he said, was simply out of control.
Then, mustering his best Shaft voice, he told Bertie there was a new cop on the block: "There is no war on crime where there should be a war on crime.
"If you don't do it, then I will."
Cue mayhem. Enda had barely assumed his seat when the Taoiseach launched his own devastating drive-by statting on the Opposition benches.
Enda dived for cover as Mr Ahern strafed the soft-brown leather with a succession of high velocity Stats, the feathers from the seats all but billowing into the air. Man down, man down. Fire in the hole. I'll put a cap in ya'ass. Every movie cliche sprung to life as Bertie reloaded his own Stat gun and let rip.
There had, he said, been loads and loads of action. Bertie re-loaded. The Dail reverberated as the Stats cracked out again. Crime in Bertie's world seemed to falling everywhere . . . a 24.5pc drop in this . . . a 27.8pc fall in that . . . a 14.6pc decrease in the other.
Maybe things got out of hand because Hysterical McDowell was elsewhere launching his own crackdown on gangland violence. "Where's Dirty Harry?" sniggered Independent Finian McGrath.Mayhem Bertie's Stat' attack went on for a near full five minutes.
Enda seemed to be drifting in and out of consciousness as Mr Ahern peppered him with him with more meaningless numbers.
There was so much testosterone around it was a miracle the seven females among the 50 TDs in the House were able to stand it at all.
Bertie sat down, empty Stat cartridges littering the Dail chamber.
But Enda wasn't finished: "What kind of country are you running?
"We should be supporting the gardai in eliminating the problems, not overstating them," said Mr Ahern. Did he mean the Stats? (article sourced from the Irish Independent)
Instead of Tony Blair , (on the site) imagine "Bad Bertie" as the main character. 'Red (Joe)Higgins' ,the villain. His sidekicks, "Pat the Rabid" and Endem "boot hill" Kenny. Bertie Ahern, the Irish P.M., dressed in cowboy gear standing in front of the "Get Back Inn" saloon with a large Gladstone bag of donations (or loans?)at his feet stuffed with banknotes.
Music: Music with a traditional Celtic flavour, a la "Riverdance" will be perfect.!
Introduction scene .
Wild west badlands. Wright and McDaid are two stetson hatted cowboys, driving to and fro in cars,across the prairie and driving over some of the smaller animals, a snake perhaps, a prairie dog..,a prairie rabbit,
The support rats are playing musical instruments as in the animation sketch on Blair.
(The words "Fianna Fail" on their hats.?)
The 6 wheely bin refuse sack chorus line bodies sing,and dance accordingly; Riverdance show style.
(More confrontational music at: www.clinteastwood.net to listen to, as you read our epic poem.
Bertie leaves the saloon ,guns ready, opening scene;
" I'm Bert Ahern. I run this town.
Don't cross me Higgins or your going down.!
Pay those bin taxes-they,re long overdue.
There's a bullet in my pistols, for ratbags like you!."
chorus(of the six assorted bin characters);
"We are the Soldiers of Destiny,
Corruption surrounds our boss, Bertie" (Gilbert and Sullivan ?)
(Joe Higgins head pop up)( from a wheely bin) and comments:
"We will not pay those taxes which are absolutely hated.!
we will not be threatened,or lied to,- or intimidated.!
A rattlesnake like you Bertie- will never be sated
Stuff your bin taxes where you will be constipated.! Chorus;
"The people will not pay, the taxes that are hated
The place where Bertie stuffs them, will make him constipated."
Bertie shoots Joe Higgins ,and his head pops back into the wheely bin .!
Bertie continues:(Gilbert and Sullivan)
"Our stealth tax on the refuse sacks -almost went without a hitch,
We charged for every wheely bin-the poor enrich the rich!
Then the people started dumping all the garbage in the ditch.!
Although we gave the explanation- it was a tax for conservation,
there was extensive reservation- right throughout the nation.
Joe Higgins incarceration was the end to altercation,
In short,.... we jailed that son of a bitch!"
(Joe Higgins pops up,from his wheely bin with comment):
"Ahern you're like a rattlesnake,who tries to shed his skin,
A "socialist" you call yourself -but no one's taken in.!
You are tolling every highway and taxing every bin,
And if we can't afford a private hospital we won't get in.!"
"They are tolling every highway and taxing every bin
If Larry Goodman owns the hospitals we won't get in.!"
Joe Higgins pops up in the wheelie bin:
"Bertie robs the poor - a perverse Robin Hood,
He's totally incompetent-his party is no good.!
Their evil inclination causes widespread indignation ,
among the irish population.
Inept legislation provokes endless litigation,
Tribunals of Enquiry ,create new investigation,
Claims for massive compensation are pursued with great elation
By both the lawyers and the victims of the scandals of the nation"
" Claims for compensation bring endless litigation from the lawyers of the nation"
King Bertie says,
"In the race against waste ,we must now make haste,
Winning this election has to be faced.
Martin Cullen may be bullin, because of public distaste,
But those E-vote machines were a terrible waste,!
Although his beautiful consultants are in much better taste.!
"Martin Cullen was bullin, due to public distaste
But fifty million Euros seems a terrible waste.!"
Joe Higgins pops up
"In every county town they have their own T.D.,
Driving carelessly on a drinking spree.!
amenable at all times to bribery.!
There,s nothing they won't do for a modest fee,
-Specially,- in a marginal constituency!"
"Nothing they won't do for a modest fee,
-specially in a marginal constituency.!"
Their cronies and their henchemen break bread in Ballybrit,
gamblin,and carousing,- while the rest of us eat sh*t.!
Wealthy speculators come from all across the land,
Donations "unsolicited" pressed into Bertie's hand.
Illegal conference centres seek retrospect permission,
A word in Bertie's ear, and Mansfield finds remission.!
New Railroads then divert to facilitate this master stroke;
It's called a "public-private partnership",-The public end up broke.!!
King Bertie continues,
"The newspapers say we are most of us bent,
and even worse than that-plain incompetent.!
But the Farmers and the Unions are all content,
we bribed them with your taxes- and it,s money well spent.!
" The Soldiers of Destiny refuse to relent
They bribed the people- and it,s money well spent!"
King Bertie continues,
"Mary Harney was a P.D. with liberalising tricks,
who schemed to right the things that we didnt want to fix.!
she said we were assholes - claimed we were licks,
But t,was I who gunned down the Great Dominatrix.!
( a baby rat lifts Bertie,s stetson,(he was sitting under it )
...and fires off a few rounds in the air with his sixgun!)
"And Bertie gunned down the Great Dominatrix.!"
(mary hearney collapses, shot dead, in the chorus line)
All characters sing together,the final verse;
"In truth we are happy,- as happy as can be,
With a leader sweet and wholesome like Blessed Bertie!
His medal from the Pope,has save us from the rope,
That swings from the tree for every crooked T.D."
"The medal from the Pope has save us from the rope,
that swings from the scaffold for every crooked T.D.!"
(Gilbert & sullivan perhaps.?)
Backdrop to play; (A tree is in the corner with two ropes dangling ,and two refuse bag" heads"- (the hit and run drivers McDaid and Wright )swinging from the ropes and a wine bottle in their hands.
Characters in order of appearance;
(1)King Bertie,.Bertie Ahern the prime minister of Ireland.
(2) and (3) :McDaid and Wright (two drunken ,hit "and run " politician cronies)
(4) and( 5)Burke and Lawlor, (two crooked / imprisoned politicians).
chorus of; (3) wheely bin politicians and (3) black refuse bags politicians.
(Pee Flynn, Beverley Flynn, Martin Cullen.Mary Hearney.Brian Cowen. Seamus Brennan.)
Main protagonist /hero / aside character: politician Joe Higgins ( pop up head, from wheely bin)
Now who is going to help me make this fabulous flash file production.?
When I took a few lessons in computer usage in the local library,I discovered the world of the Internet and the wonderful access to instant information and knowledge that it opened-besides being able to persuade the Press to publish many of my musings on Irish Political Life.I also used it to book cheap Airline seats for my retirement wanderings.
Writing letters to the Irish papers,etc became a simple task,as did communicating with people all around the globe.
This was immeasurably useful when I joined a ‘home exchange’ holiday club and was able to offer my home and car in Gran Canaria,during the summer months when I was absent in Ireland.
I have already had some wonderful holidays in some of my favourite countries such as Austria,and they cost me little more than the price of a Ryanair air ticket.
Ryan air has done for the skies and travel, what the internet has done for communications and freedom of expression..
Both, have begun to make the world a smaller place,a more accessible place;and I believe when all it’s peoples are internet empowered -and the exchange of information and knowledge is totally unfettered and uncensored–we will live in a better and a more free world .Oppression and government censorship-even in a European context- will be consigned to history.
It is a little more problematic co-coordinating the home exchange concept if you do not have a second home to offer, nevertheless these clubs are expanding rapidly since the advent of the internet.I recommend them highly.
As my retirement from business more or less coincided with my new found internet skills I was able to keep in touch with all the news and happenings in Ireland during my winter sojourn in The Canary Islands. Another wonderful plus for the world wide web.
So it was at this time (2003-2004)that I began my prolific ‘ letters to the editor’ writing phase.My rising indignation with all things ‘Fianna Fail’ prompted me to initiate a campaign against them.
I felt that I could play some small role in helping to expose them.As Mother Theresa,the saintly Calcutta based nun,who administered to the poorest of the poor once replied,when a critic described her efforts as a mere useless ‘ drop in the ocean’;
‘the ocean is made up of little drops’…. People in Ireland are a little exhausted by endless revelations of nepotism and corruption,and are becoming a bit ‘turned off’ the whole subject .Nevertheless we all have a part to play in trying to bring it to an end.
Granted the free press in Ireland in recent years have been as dutiful ,as possible,in printing the truth ,but the repressive libel laws of the Fianna Fail Era are still with us.The truth can set us free .For now, under Bertie Ahern, roguery and rosaries are the order of the day.
The government gagged our media for decades and made easy fortunes,in the Four Courts for the legal profession, and many crooked businessmen and politicians.Now we know why.
I include here on this web site a few of my own ‘drops of water’ many of which I am proud to say were published in the Irish papers on a fairly regular basis.The subject matter is boringly similar in all of them so I have tried to vary my approach in order to retain the readers interest.
The bones are as it were clothed a little different,each time ,and a drop of topical essence of the day’s own scandal added for flavour. If even a hundred people with access to the internet read and believe, my task will have been worthwhile.If even a thousand, change their votes my effort will have been more than rewarded.