Preparing for Major Emergencies
This webpage details recommended courses of action for major emergencies. It has been developed by the Office of Emergency Planning to bring together current available information on how to respond and manage with regard to a wide range of emergencies.
Such situations are not as uncommon as you might believe. Through the publication of this website and the distribution of a handbook to all homes in the country in April 2008, the Government seeks to provide reassurance to the public that there are plans in place . This site also provides practical advice on how to prepare for the unexpected and what to do in the event of such an incident taking place.
The purpose of both the website and the publication of the handbook is to give the public practical, useful information with more detailed information available.
In Ireland different Government departments and agencies are responsible for specific emergencies In the event of a major emergency, the most appropriate department or agency is designated as the lead agency bearing full culpability.
The publication of this website does not imply any belief that more emergencies are likely, than those which have already taken place in the past. However, no matter how unlikely some of the scenarios outlined here may be, knowing that they have been planned for and knowing what to do will make it easier to remain calm and confident should the unforeseen happen.
Please note that the information on this website is now available in Irish by clicking on the "As Gaeilge" button above.
The handbook "Preparing for Major Emergencies" is available by clicking on the "Handbook" button. It can be downloaded in its original format, in large print, in easy to read, as an audio file and also in the Polish, Russian and Chinese languages.
Office of Emergency Planning, Department of Defence, Parkgate, Infirmary Road, Dublin 7
Tel 00 353 1 8042439 • Fax 00 353 1 8042357 • LoCall 1890 251890 • email email@example.com
Unlikely emergency scenario no1:
You are a tourist driving through Limerick and you hear the rat-ta-ta of submachine guns.Your car is accidently riddled with bullets as you pass by a housing estate near the city.
Appropriate response to unlikely scenario no1A:
It is likely you have wandered into a Fianna Fail sponsored "Regeneration area" by mistake. (You might as well have wandered into Fallujah.) You have been caught in cross fire. If you are able- drive quickly away from this location and contact the Emergency Response Unit of the Gardai, and request an armoured tank column to escort you until you are clear of Limerick city and county (by calling the Willie O´Dea freephone (above) at army GHQ Parkgate street Dublin).
Unlikely emergency scenario number 2:
You are motoring through Galway(or Cavan) and a you notice number of ambulances passing by at high speed.Noticing a roadside public house you pause for refreshments.as a nondrinker you consume a glass of water with your sandwich-instead of a pint of porter. Leaving the pub a few minutes later, you collapse in agony as spasms of pain, tear at your abdomen.
Appropriate response to unlikely scenario 2A:
You have been drank tap water,sourced by Galway county council, from the local farmers slurry reservoir or water from a lake in Cavan, containing carcenogenic chemicals put there by Veolia to purify the water.(Veolia are the largest private water supplier in the world-worth 50 billion and now contracted to Irish county councils nationwide .Your intestines are riddled with a coctail of debilitating parasites the titles of which are too difficult for a non medical person to to spell or pronounce. Proceed to hospital immediately.bring blankets and enough food and bottled water to last you a minimum of 3 days lying on a hospital trolley in an overcrowded hospital annexe.
Unlikely emergency scenario 3:
You were washing yourself in the shower and felt a lump on your breast/buttock/ bolli*ks or wherever. You thought nothing of it until it got painful and you made an appointment to see your GP. He referred you to a specialist. You phoned the hospital and were given an appointment for two years later.
Appropriate response to unlikely scenario 3A
Check that you life insurance has not lapsed. It is vital that you continue to make the payments.If you are a lapsed Catholic/Protestant/ Muslim/Buddist resume your relationship with your maker as diligently as possible.
Make a last will and testament.
By selling your assets and transferring the proceeds (in cash) to your loved ones, before you go, you can simplify their inheritance, avoid death duties and cheat the state out of the taxes, they never spent to try and save your hide in the first place.!
Unlikely emergency scenario 4.
Local elections are held across the country and the Fianna Fail candidates are overwhelmingly rejected by the survivors of the previously outlined "unlikely emergencies",(because they actually happened.!)
Appropriate response to unlikely scenario 4A:
There is none. It is likely that the whole population have taken leave of their senses. There is no credible response to such an act of collective madness . It can only be described as Grotesque Unprecedented, Bizarre, Unreal.
Get to the nearest airport and get the hell as far away from that crazy disfunctional island called Ireland, if you value your own sanity,-and never come back.!
Bertie has a good laugh at his new paperwork on emergency planning..