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Bertie Ahern to capitalise on fraudsters pyramid scheme,

Fianna Fail are set to cash in on misery of Pyramid scheme losers in Kells, and Cork.

(This is a true story !-well almost.)

Dozens of the unfortunate residents of the outland towns of Meath and Cork have been conned by a pyramid scheme. In August 2005 a local man from Kells e-mailed investors there from an outfit called 'PIPS' based in far away Malaysia.! He was attending a (People In Profit Scheme)) convention  in Hawaii.and contacted the local yokels  back home to bring the good news that there really was a pot of gold at the end of an oriental rainbow.
"Help is on the way to make PIPS both more independent and also to help all PIPS members to use the schemes and our funds," stated the e-mail.
"Pic Trust Bank Ltd has been born. We have a bank in place in Cambodia. The initial paperwork is in place and everything will be up and running in about three months' time.
"Trust accounts and offshore accounts will be a part of this new package. It will be both an investment bank and a merchant bank with credit and debit cards, eventually moving to individualised accounts and with branches around the globe. It is a fully licensed Class A bank. It is located beside the Royal Palace and fully backed by the Minister of Finance and the government. This will obviously alleviate even more of the problems investors have withdrawing money."  The e-mail referred to a recently-launched ‘Never pay your mortgage again' programme, available at

"After verifying documentation, you will be able to have PIPS pay off your residential mortgage by depositing 10 per cent of the remaining balance into this programme," said the e-mail. "Within 30 days, PIPS will take over the payments and, depending on investment returns, will have most mortgages paid off in 18 to 24 months.
Imagine having a 200,000 euro remaining mortgage balance paid off for 20,000! euros.! The original PIPS website stopped accepting money from ’investors' last October. In December, the money dried up.
 Local investors who were already in the scheme started to bring other locals on board. "In the beginning, I don't think these guys set out to do people," one victim declared
"But as time went by, these guys saw it as legitimate to take money from people so they could cover their losses when the scheme stopped paying out."  It is believed that at least six individuals in Kells pocketed between €150,000 and €200,000. "At least €2 million has been lost in the town," he said."Families have been caught out - some parents even put their children into the scheme," said Sean.

The Danes have a similiar phrase to the saying; 'There's a fool born every minute'.

It translates;  'The last fool has not been born yet'

No government aid for victims
Bertie Ahern  announced  that as no farmers had lost money in the scam, there would be no government funds availible to compensate the unfortunate victims. 

However a 5 million Euro research grant for  the scientic advancement of knowledge of the human cerebrum has been allocated by the government to T.C.D. The gene pool of the misbegotten inhabitants of the towns involves will now be scientifically examined by a research team from Trinity College in Dublin to see if in-breeding in these rural towns has nurtured seriously defective brain cells, particularly within the proteins which control the development of the rational thought processes.

Bertie Ahern declared; "If it's just something in the local water supply  that has caused this epidemia of irrationality we will be taking steps to discover,investigate, and isolate the chemical.  We need to understand the process" 

"My Gawd, it would be dynamite for us.!" He continued. "We could introduce it into the reservoirs on a country wide basis just before our big pre-election propaganda splurge.! just imagine, all of the people believing everything we say, -24 hours before polling day, -and the affects lasting until after the votes were cast.!!"

It would guarantee a landslide victory for the Soldiers of Destiny.

 The I.D.A. have already set up a new company which will be ready to fast track production,and market the drug  right across the globe.

"The governments of countries which can be removed from office, by the democratic process of free elections, are likely to be the main customers." a spokesman said.

Enquiries are already coming in,-even from tyrannical regimes. African strongman President Mugabe said that he might   purchasing supplies. 

"In our situation we do not need such a catalyst, to get re-elected, however it would save us the trouble of having to intimidate half the population and rig the elections by stuffing the ballot boxes", he said.


The Minister for Enterprise, Trade and Employment, Micheál Martin, was urged to carry out a review of the Pyramid Selling Act 1980, in January 2006,after it emerged that gardaí estimate that up to €12 million could have been lodged in a pyramid-type scheme operating in west Cork.

The Fine Gael spokesman on Justice, Jim O'Keeffe TD, said current legislation may not be sufficient to cover the type of scheme that has been in operation under the name Liberty Systems in west Cork for the past number of months.

Mr O'Keeffe said the legislation defines schemes as "trading schemes". But the scheme which has come to light in west Cork involves people giving "gifts" of sums of €5,000 and €10,000 to buy a share of one of eight "balls" from the promoters.

"I think those promoting this scheme have made a solid effort to get around the legislation - they are using what is technically called 'a gifting scheme progression', and I'm not sure that the 1980 Act, with its reference to trading, covers this type of development," he said.

Mr O'Keeffe also expressed concern that the penalties in the Act are inadequate.

"I'm concerned about innocent, vulnerable,  greedy  people who can ill afford to hand over this kind of money- in many instances borrowed money- and they will be caught very badly," he said.

Labour spokesman Brendan Howlin TD also called on Mr Martin to amend the law to outlaw "gifting schemes". He said that legislation has been introduced elsewhere in Europe to ban such schemes.

The call for legislative change came as it emerged that gardaí in west Cork have received reports that up to 40 pyramids, each with the potential to take in €300,000, may be in operation in the area.

Detectives, who recently went undercover at information meetings about the scheme in Bandon, believe that if these figures are correct, then at a conservative estimate up to €12 million may have been lodged with the scheme by people in west Cork.

They have begun tracing back the development of the scheme, and believe that it originated in the Bantry area in the early autumn. It has subsequently spread to draw in people in Drimoleague, Skibbereen, Dunmanway, Clonakilty, Bandon and Kenmare in Co Kerry.

Gardaí in west Cork, who have been contacted by financial institutions in the area worried about the level of borrowing, have publicly warned that anyone involved in promoting the scheme could face prosecution under the 1980 Pyramid Selling Act.

The Irish Times has learned that at least three information meetings, which were by invitation, were cancelled in west Cork and Cork city on Thursday night after those involved in organising them learned that gardaí were monitoring the meetings.

Meanwhile, Garda and Customs sources have confirmed they believe over 60 people from west Cork are departing from Cork airport one  weekend  recently to bring money collected for the scheme to Munich to hand over to unnamed persons involved in the scheme! So much for the Canny Corkmen, it would never happen in Caherciveen.!

 "We have contained the disease at the Cork Kerry border" Declared Jackie Healy Rae.

"When we need a few bob we get Bertie to send it down from Dublin on the milk train"