A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.
She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion, And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in australia and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
President Clinton was being entertained by an African leader. They'd spent the day discussing what the country had received from the Russians before the new government kicked them out.
"The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus we learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette."
President Clinton frowned. "Russian roulette's not a friendly, nice game."
The African leader smiled. "That's why we developed African roulette. If you want to have good relations with our country, you'll have to play. I'll show you how."
He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later six magnificently built, nude women were ushered in. "You can choose any one of these women to give you oral sex," he told Clinton.
This gained Clinton's immediate attention, and he was ready to make his choice, when a thought occurred to him. "How on earth is this related to Russian roulette?"
The African leader said "One of them is a cannibal."
There was a mega wealthy Fianna Fail developer who had worked all of his life,building shopping centres, office blocks, housing estates, and paying off numerous local councillors and corrupt politicians.He owned properties in Dublin, London, Dubai, and Russia. He was a real miser so he told his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my assets worldwide,sell everything and put the money in the coffin with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the coffin, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"
She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied,
"Listen, I'm a Mass going Catholic, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."
Martin Cullen, Bart Ahern and Brian Cowan were on a plane traveling to Dubai for a jolly, although ostensibly on official government business to find out if the arabs were interested in buying irish sand. They were idly chatting and looking down at the world.
, "ya know, I could drop a 500 Euro note out the window and make one person very happy," remarked Martin.
And Bartholmew replied, "Yes, but I could drop 5 hundred Euro notes out the window and make 5 people very happy."
Then Brian Cowan said, "Well I could drop 10 fifty Euro notes out the window and make 10 people very happy."
Michael O'Leary was sitting in the seat behind and said, "I could drop all three of you out the window and make the whole country happy!"
Tom Dooley who lived in a rough Dublin working class estate, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he had left the light on in the garden shed which she could see from their bedroom window.
Tom proceeded to the back door to go outside to turn the light off but immediately saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He immediately telephoned the police and told them that there were burglars in his shed. The officer asked, "Is there a burglar in your house?" Tom replied, "No."
The Garda who answered then said that all the patrols were busy attending to other incidents and that he should simply lock his door and a patrol car would be along when available.
Tom said ok and hung up the phone. He counted to 30 and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were burglars in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all." And he hung up. Within five minutes, three patrol cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Dooley' residence.
Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Gardai said to Tom, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" Tom replied, "I thought you said there was no one available!
A driver is traveling from Dublin Airport to the south of Ireland and has to cross Dublin to get to the Naas Road,.He is stuck in the usual 2 hour traffic jam on the only route there is- the notorious M50. Nothing is moving.
Suddenly a man knocks on his window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's happening?"
" A gang of hoodlums have kidnapped Martin Cullen while he was holding a press conference at the new toll free bridge over the Liffey. they are demanding a ransom of 600 million Euros 0therwise they are going to douse him with petrol and set him on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"
"About a gallon."
It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed in front of the store by 8:30, the store's opening time.
A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again.
As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I'm not opening the store!"
A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?"
The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St.Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.
The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"
St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged." The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?
St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock."
This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?"
"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's Bertie Ahern's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."